Mittens, Poufs, and other Shower Things

Towards the end of last month, the largest HEB Plus opened on my side of town. 

Now, I usually HATE going to grocery stores. The people don't move, even when they see you coming. They leave their cart in the middle of the aisle as if their cart is the most important. I get frustrated and angry, firstly because getting my milk and cereal should not be some Amazing Race quest and secondly because when I go to move their carts so that mine can get safe passage they get haughty and sigh loudly, making their eyes into slits, pursing their lips as if I was about to steal their purse and take their blueberry yogurt. 

But I digress.

So this H.U.G.E. HEB opened and Robert needed something for dinner the next day. It was 10:30 at night so I figured even though it just opened that weekend it would be OK to check it out. It was still crowded. The parking lot was completely packed which is not something you see so late at night (and I know because I usually do my grocery shopping at night for that very reason). However, when we got into the store it was so spread out and gigantic that nobody really got in our way. 

We decided to make our way around the store to get the feel of the layout and see what goodies they had to offer. 

HEB Plus did not disappoint. 

Near the bulk/health food/vitamins section was this display of bath salts and bar soaps. Now, I'm not usually a bar soap or bath salt person. Quite frankly taking a bath skeeves me out. You're basically just sitting there in all your filth while the stale water gets colder and colder around you. The last time I took a bath was in 2007 when I stayed in a really nice Vegas hotel room. The tub was sparkly, smelled of disinfectant and there was a TV. That one was kind of a no-brainer. But in our apartment? In any apartment? No way. Not even in my parents house did I take baths. Seriously. They're gross. 

As for bar soaps? Well they're hard to hold onto in the shower and some don't lather as well as gel. It's hard to do a bar soap and a loofah and then there's always the gross bottom residue that feels like seaweed from it just sitting in its own wetness. But, I figured I could smell them. So I started to pick them up, one by one, and sniff each. 

Then I got to this baby and my whole life changed.

It's called almond honey but I swear to god that it smells like amaretto. AMARETTO. Only the best smelling liquor ever and the main ingredient in amaretto sours. I swear. I had to have it. I didn't particularly need a new bath soap but when has not needing anything ever stopped a woman from buying it? So I bought it. I was excited to get home and bathe in one of the best alcoholic beverages known to man. 

We eventually returned home with more stuff that had caught our eye on our way through HEB looking for that ONE thing we initially went in there for. 

We just need milk, oh and 20 million other things. 

After bringing in all the grocery bags (in one trip!) I was excited to try my new soap. I hopped into the shower, lathered my shampoo. Rinsed and repeated and then was ready to smell heavenly when I realized that I had left the soap in the kitchen, still in the bag. 

I was devastated.

But then the NEXT day I made sure that I got that delicious bar from the kitchen and took off that wrapping with scissors. I didn't want anything to hinder me from smelling like a slutty bar drink.

Even Google knows these make you slutty.

Being an avid bather I went through the motions by heart; shampooed, rinsed, lather, repeat. After massaging the conditioner into my hair to leave it to do its business I picked up the brick of sweet cleanliness. The bar was huge making it awkward to hold in my hands. Then, as most bar soaps do, it got wet and went shooting out of my hand. By reflex I did this weird jig with my feet hoping that my toe would not break the fall of the pound of soap. This jig then caused a mini panic attack as falling in the shower, breaking my neck and dying NAKED is just one of many of my irrational fears. 

But I wasn't deterred yet. With the warm water running over the soap the enticing smell was wafting up to me, making me buzzed. 

I bent down to pick up the soap (harder to do when you don't have glasses on and cannot see past your nose). Holding it in that special way you hold soap (loose so that it doesn't go shooting out of your hands but gripping it so that it doesn't slide out) I wondered what the best way to go about this might be. 

I decided that maybe it would be better if I put it in my shower mitten. 

This is a shower mitten.

Now ignoring the fact that I might forever be ridiculed for having a shower mitten I would just like to mention that I bought it at Ulta when I had to hit 10$ to get to use my 3.50$ off coupon. It was on sale and it was only a dolllllar, thus putting me over that 99 cents I needed. 

Anyway, so I decided to put the gigantic slab of sudsy goodness in my shower mitten. The bar was so big that my hand hardly fit in there with it. Also, the lather wasn't transferring to the outside of the glove. I was basically giving my hand a really good washing. So that wasn't working. 

I took the bar out and decided to try to make it lather on my shower pouf. 

This is a shower pouf. Mine is green. 

I found that this worked really well. It was making a big bubbly mess all over my pouf. Finally, I thought, I can smell like a delectable adult drink. However, only halfway done with my scrubbing the lather rinsed out. I was basically just exfoliating without the cleansing. Already fed up with the soap I grabbed it from its corner cover to re-lather it onto my pouf. But when I grabbed it I felt the gross, seaweed-y slime on the bottom. Then it slipped out of my hand. 

I rinsed my hair, washed whatever lather was left on my body and left the bar on the shower floor because like a bad date I was sooooo over it. 

I'll stick to drinking amaretto instead of smelling like it.